No, that's not true: I've started dozens of stories and blog posts, and then just let go.
It's hard to explain the sense of emptiness and futility.
Why bother.
A lot of what I wrote was lame, stupid, devoid of any joy.
Boring, and sad.
These weeks have been hard for me and for my loved ones.
On top of the loss and the feeling of being lost, my voice was gone. I like writing, I like telling naughty stories.
It was always part of me, even back when I just kept a diary, but in the last few years it has become a pillar of my identity. Being unable to write has been like being gagged and bound... and not in the funny way.
Now I'm back to work in the shop, talking with people, looking out instead of looking in. It feels good. People are actually very kind.
And I wanted to go back to being a writer.
So I talked this out with my girlfriend, and she suggested I try doing the NaNoWriMo: "an annual Internet-based creative writing project that takes place during the month of November. Participants attempt to write a 50,000-word manuscript between November 1 and November 30."
So I thought about it, I wasted one day being scared and uncertain, then lit up a Camel and said "What the fuck, let's do it!" and enrolled in the NaNoWriMo website.
The plan is to write a 50.000 words story, something completely new (but based on an old idea of mine) by the 30th of this month.
The challenge and the feeling like I am emerging from a very dark place are helping.
I was never this nervous about writing, I never started and stopped and cancelled everything and started again like this time, not in a long time.
But I wrote 2500 words in the last 24 hours.
At least 1500 are actually worth the time spent writing them.
Yes, it is vaguely Gothic, with lots of corsets and pettycoats and young women walking down huge staircases in the dark, and kinky sex.
Bodices WILL most certainly be ripped.
And I find out I am really pumped about this new project: I want to write this story, I want to explore these characters, and I want to come back and be myself again.
And with a little luck and a little work, I will make it, and you guys will have a new, thick, naughty story before Christmas, and I will put myself back together.
I will post updates as the work progresses.
Not trying to offer you an excuse here, but you realize that "not writing" and "not writing naughty stories" are different things, yeah? Don't have to write a naughty story, doesn't event have to be a story at all. Write a character, write a scene, write an article; write about the things you care about - that's what's important. Don't push yourself to write about something you don't really care about.
ReplyDeleteThat said, if Lavinia is what you care about, then I'm eagerly awaiting its release. Best of luck to you!
I see your point, Eugene, but let me try and explain this a little better: what I had lost was the fun of writing. Of course I can write letters to our suppliers, or pages upon pages of dead fiction... but I was no longer having fun doing it.
DeleteThis thing I am doing now is fun.
It's fun because I have a word-target and a time limit, so it feels like a race, like a test, like a challenge.
It's fun because I am writing the sort of thing I like and I am actually digging it.
I think I needed some kind of... not shock, no, but a loving kick in the ass, and that's what my girlfrind did. She knows I can't resist a dare.
Fantastic that you're writing again. You managed in short order to push through some of the grief and begin reaching out again. In all aspects of your life. That's a gift from your Mom, your partner, and all of your family and friends. And now you're making it a gift to all of us. Thanks so much.
ReplyDeleteOh, and isn't it great that you are able to respond to our comments. Life is good.
Thank you. I don't know if I managed anything particular. I spent a month that felt like one year, and there's a week, ten days I don't actually remember, I was just disconnected and drugged, and lost.
DeleteAnd I believe that I've been gifted with great people in my life.
And I can actually comment on my own blog! ... well, until it lasts.